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Brett Favre
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Brett Lorenzo Favre (born on October 10, 1969, in Gulfport, Mississippi, US) is an American football player who was the starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers of the National Football League (NFL) from 1992 to 2007. He is also a crying 15-year-old girl, drug user, and a dick.
Since Johnny Unitas, he is the only NFL player to have won the league MVP 3 times. He is also the only player to have pretend-retired from professional sports 37 times.
While many people believe that crying does not belong in sports, Favre does not belong to this camp. He will readily cry at the end of every game. In this respect, Favre is like a 15-year-old girl who just got her braces off and ends every night sobbing over jewelry.
Favre is also the only remaining NFL player who was also very good in Tecmo Super Bowl II.
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Fa"vre"
Favre began his life as a dick when he was born and given the surname Favre, a name so obnoxious that it can only be pronounced by saying the letters in an order other than the one in which they are written. Favre is part French and part Native American, making his middle name, Lorenzo, completely inappropriate, particularly for a blonde guy who spent most of his adult life in braces.
One theory behind the strange pronunciation of his family name is that the Favre family has simply been mispronouncing it themselves for so long that it just stuck, which is so sad it nearly makes you want to cry. But you won't, because you are not Brett Favre at the end of a football game.
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College Football
Favre began his elite football career in college at Southern Mississippi, an institution of higher learning intended mainly for students who didn't get accepted by all the other colleges no one has ever heard of. This was the case with Favre, who received no other scholarships. Other well-known dick alumni include Chuck Scarborough and Trishelle from The Real World. In Favre's first game, he was pulled off the bench to lead his team to victory, despite having a terrible hangover. Favre was a burgeoning binge drinker at this time, most likely because a painkiller habit is simply too expensive for the average college student.
Favre still holds many school records, a true triumph considering no one of note has played there in the 50 years since he graduated.
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Professional football
Favre made a much-heralded debut in the NFL when he was drafted in the second round by the Atlanta Falcons, whose coach at the time announced there would have to be a plane crash that killed most of the other team members before Favre would ever play.
Favre was then traded to the Green Bay Packers, where his career continued promisingly, despite Troy Aikman's annually making him his bitch. To deal with the Cowboy bitch situation (or “bitchuation”) and the injuries that accompanied it, Favre developed a pain killer addiction. The habit was widely publicized, though Favre was commended for "voluntarily" entering rehab after being threatened with an almost one million dollar fine.
Favre went on to have a long, remarkable, record-breaking career, becoming an idol to the city of Green Bay, though one should always take with a grain of salt the object of worship of a group of citizens who feel no shame about wearing dairy products on their heads.
During much of this period, Favre was not a dick, but was instead the likable quarterback of a perennially average to slightly above-average football team that played a lot of games in the snow. That all ended when he started to forget that he was actually a football player, and not an owner of an organization where he was better than everyone else because he had a ring, some records, and a steakhouse and banquet facility with his name on it.
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"Retirement"
Like many dicks, Favre began his true descent in dickhood in the later years of his career. Most notably, Favre played his "last game at Lambeau" several times, subjecting fans to endless “retrospective" montages in quantities that have yet to be matched. In light of these multiple, unsatisfying endings, Favre can be compared to the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
Finally, Favre officially retired in March of 2008, another milestone event marked by an embarrassing display of sobbing. His stated reason for retiring was simply "not wanting to play anymore."
One month later, Favre decided he wanted to cry more play more. Giving legions of dairy-headed Green Bay fans the respect they so richly deserved, Favre volunteered to play for any other team in the NFL, included some of the Packers' most hated division rivals. This was how Favre chose to reveal that, for the previous 15 years, Wisconsin fans had not actually been cheering on their gridiron hero, but had merely been feeding an insatiable ego that would gladly sell everyone out just to compensate for severe dick envy.
Not wanting their star player to become the quarterback of a rival team, the Packers did not release him from his contract. Although Favre has demonstrated no real understanding of the word "retirement," the Packers have a relatively strong grasp on the definition of "legally binding contract."
Interested in developing a quarterback who is less talented, but not about to turn 75 years old, the Packers offered to have Brett Favre join them on the bench. But the bench is for losers, not professional dicks, and so Favre began secretly meeting with the Minnesota Vikings.
While Favre is, no doubt, a future legend and Hall of Famer, his current status is that of a long-graduated former big man on campus who still lives in his college town and spends time hanging around offering to buy people beer and trying to get the freshmen girls to drink more jungle juice.
During the unretirement process, Favre expressed interest in playing for a Super Bowl contender in the 2008-2009 season. Fittingly, he was traded to the New York Jets, a team that recently went 4-12 and was more likely to win a Stanley Cup pretending to be the now defunct Winnipeg Jets than to play in the Super Bowl.
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Trivia
November 29, 2004 was declared Brett Favre Day by the governor of Wisconsin. On this day Vicodin was available at half-price and everyone was allowed to ignore the contributions of other talented people in their workplace.
Favre holds the NFL record for most consecutive starts by a quarterback who would go on to choke in the conference championship.
While there is no direct evidence proving it, circumstantial evidence indicates that Favre regularly has gross, old person make-out sessions with this man.
Favre had a bit part playing a dick himself, in the Farrelly brothers' film There's Something about Mary. Appropriately, the film is memorable only for the appearance of both Brett Favre and some semen.
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