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Jon Lester: Can't we all just get along? Jon Lester Published June 11, 2003 -- Editor's note: Jon Lester of Roanoke, Va., is a guest writer participating in our J. Fan columnist search. He can be reached at JL2saint@aol.com. As a 37-year-old Viking fan from birth I have come to realize that I actually have two favorite NFL teams. The Vikings and whoever is playing the Green Bay Packers. And I started to think about why that was. Do I really "hate" the Packers? What did they do that was so bad? Have they dominated our division? No. Have they dominated us? Negative. Was there one defining moment where we lost something precious at the hands of this hated rival? Not that I can remember. If anything we should dislike the Dallas Cowboys by that standard. So why do I feel the way that I do? Why do I despise them so? I must tell you that this was not an easy question to answer. I had to sit down and actually try to write down the things about them that I disliked the most. I thought and I thought and I sat there for almost an hour before I finally had the epiphany I was looking for. Now before I say this I want everyone to know that "hate" is a relative word. In this particular context it means "to dislike during the course of a football game or season" and has nothing to do with personalities or anything like that. Also, there are exceptions to the rule so I guess I'm just speaking about the majority. But what I realized is that I don't hate the Green Bay Packers, I hate their FANS!!! Think about it. There was no one particular Green Bay player that made "my" blood boil. You? I could have done without Reggie White I guess, but I didn't like him when he played for the Eagles either. And while Brett Favre is a great quarterback, he doesn't play particularly well against us and he plays terrible in the Metrodome. I'll actually be sad to see him retire, so it can't be that. They haven't beaten us on a consistent basis and I think we actually own a better head to head record in my lifetime so that can't be it either. I can't really find a reason to "hate" the Packers other than I can't stand their fans, plain and simple. For me I think it started with the "There are football fans, and then there are Green Bay Packer fans" Pat Summerall quote. Never did words ring so true, but not the way that Summerall meant them. The quote should have been, "Packer fans are sure something else". They hibernated for 20 plus seasons while they were the doormats of the Central division and they cursed the names of Dan Devine, Forrest Gregg, and Lindy Infante, but as soon as the winning seasons returned they came out of the woodwork like cockroaches. "The Pack is back", they all said. "Where have you been?" was my question. I can't remember seeing anyone walking around in the 80's wearing a Lynn Dickey jersey. And to make matters worse, when they were finally brave enough to show their faces they were more irritating than before. "We're the greatest fans in sports". Huh? How can you disappear for 20 years and then make that claim? Around here we call those types of people "bandwagon" fans and they are a dime a dozen. It's infuriating and all of the "Brett this and Brett that, yada, yada, yada" doesn't help either. I know that you know of what I speak. Now while I do have these bad feelings burning inside me, I want you to know that I'm not belligerent or unreasonable at any time. I am a people person by nature and getting along with other people is something that I feel is important. I don't want to "hate" anybody. So I've devised a recovery plan and now when I do encounter a Packer fan at the local sports pub on a Sunday afternoon I just walk up, introduce myself, and hand him a list. Have you seen the TV show "8 simple rules for dating my daughter"? Well, my list is "8 simple ways to coexist with a Viking fan". I only hand it out to Packer fans and it goes like this. 1) We never want to hear the phrase, "how many Super Bowls have the Vikings won?". Not after we stomp you, not after another team stomps you, not ever. It is an excuse used to deflect the attention away from getting your butts handed to you and nobody wants to hear it. A Super Bowl win in the past has no bearing on the present and it won't help you win one game in the future. Let it go. 2) Understand this. Brett Favre is not the greatest quarterback of all time. Dan Marino has the stats and Joe Montana, Troy Aikman, and Terry Bradshaw have the trophies ( No disrespect meant to Otto Graham or Johnny Unitas either ). Brett is a Hall of Fame quarterback no doubt, but he is not the "best ever". He has 1 Super Bowl win in his career ( so do Tom Brady, Trent Dilfer, and Brad Johnson by the way ) and he owes that one to Desmond Howard. Let this idea go also. 3) Don't pick on Randy Moss. Sure, he has had some problems in his life but who hasn't? He is an outstanding athlete who deserves respect for what he does on the field as well as off. He is the best receiver in the game today and he may wind up being the best receiver ever. He spends a lot of time in the off season working on his game and working with various charities. He isn't the best driver on the planet but he hasn't had any more problems than some of the Green Bay players ( Favre, Chmura, Green, and Johnson to name a few ), so get off his back. 4) Don't "yack" incessantly about how Green Bay has won "12 titles". Blah, blah, blah. You have one Super Bowl win since the 1967 season and you got lucky to get that one. During the span from 1972 until 1993, your "mighty Packers" only made the playoffs a measly 3 times. Nobody cares about the "fossils" you call titles and anything won back in the stone age is irrelevant. A good rule of thumb is "if you weren't born when they were won then don't brag about them". The world was a different place then and there were only about 12 teams in the league so it's really not impressive. 5) Don't talk bad about our dome. Just because your team plays poorly in it doesn't mean that it's a bad place. Besides, it's all we've got. 6) Never say that Viking fans are jealous of you because we are not. We have our own storied history consisting of an NFL championship in 1969 and NFC titles in 73, 74, and 76. We wouldn't trade Alan Page for anybody who has ever been on the Packers' roster and your uniforms are ugly. 7) When attending games, try to dress accordingly. Camouflage, blaze orange, and a block of cheese the size of a car battery on your head is not proper football viewing attire. I know that it is cold in Green Bay, but there has to be something warm in your closet that doesn't have deer blood on it. Also, when the game is on national television you need to be careful who you let sit in the stands. I saw a lady on TV last season with a sign on her middle tooth that said "next tooth 1 mile". That can't be good for tourism. 8- Don't brag about being an NFL "owner". Just because you were dumb enough to shell out $200 for a worthless piece of paper ( stock ) with a Packers' logo on it doesn't mean a thing to us. You don't get to make any decisions and you can't watch the games from the luxury suite ( especially wearing camouflage ). If you went out and paid 200 times what a car was worth, would you talk about it? Face it, you got duped. Pretty good, huh? With the season opening game against the Packers rapidly approaching, this list is going to be a necessity. I know that I will have several copies with me and I encourage all of you reading this today to print off a couple of copies also and keep them on your person. When encountering a "cheesehead", just do as I do and everything should go nice and smooth. Maybe eventually enough Packer fans will see the list, comply, and all will be well. Like I said earlier, I'm a people person and I want to get along with everybody. I'm trying people, I'm really trying. How about a little help? God Bless and GO VIKES!

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A Viking fan, a Bear fan, and a Packer fan were in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, with the help of a very good lawyer, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Bears fan was first in line (he had drank the least), so he thought about this for a moment and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Bears fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Vikings fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Vikings fan out crying like a little girl. The Packer fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate of booze), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes! "Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Packer fan replies. "In recognition for your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face, "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" The Sheik asks. "TIE THE VIKINGS FAN TO MY BACK"